For most people, their experiments with marijuana ended at the respectable age of 22, when they graduated from college and realized that they didn't want to forget where they put shit anymore, or eat 15 boxes of cereal in one week.
For this girl, it's a whole other story. She uses abstract concepts like "peace" and "love" as an excuse to shirk real world responsibilities, favoring sitting around on her couch (probably sitting Indian-style, at that), smoking weed out of a bong shaped like a wizard.
When you see her, with her greasy hair, unwashed face, and general laid back demeanor, all you want to do is scream, "GET A JOB, HIPPIE" in her care-free, drugged-up face. RELAX. You can't do that—it's Christmas.
1. Peace & Love Coasters ($48, Jonathan Adler): In general, "peace" and "love" are for three types of people: 1.) stupid hippies, 2.) naive teenagers who have never experienced the real world, 3.) naive teenagers who turn into stupid hippies. Sure, it would be fan-fucking-tastic if we all stopped fighting, joined hands, and sang a collective chorus of "Peace, Love & Understanding," but while we were doing that, some other asshole country (probably Germany) would launch an attack on all of the people stupid enough to let their guard down. My point? NEVER TRUST ANYONE, PEACE WILL NEVER HAPPEN EVER. Oh, and Merry Christmas, here are some coasters with that bullshit you believe in printed on them.
2. Pipe Match Striker ($48, Fred Flare): You know what's trashier than carrying a Bic lighter around in your pocket? NOTHING. Okay, maybe a meth clinic or the Playboy Mansion are trashier examples, but the Bic lighter in your pocket is a close third, for sure. Help this hippie elevate her life with this ceramic Pipe Match Striker. It almost makes lighting a spliff seem classy. Almost. (FYI, I don't really know what a spliff is, but I heard my drug friends say it once and I thought it was funny and ridiculous).
3. Stanley Flask ($24, Restoration Hardware): Guess what goes good with drugzzzzz? Did you say ALCOHOL? Maybe not, I'm not really sure. I really should have consulted with that loser kid I went to middle school with who always sold weed in the very back of the school bus before I wrote this. FUN FACT: despite all of my swearing, I am widely regarded as a goody-two-shoes when it comes to drug consumption. But, I'm thinking that if we're talking of famous duos, drugs and alcohol go together like peanut butter and jelly or Laverne & Shirley or Erik and Lyle Menendez. That's why this classic flask is perfect for your stoner friend. It's stainless steel, rust-proof and leak-proof, meaning that she can throw it in her hemp bag, jump into her jeep, and be on her way to the next Phish concert with no worries.
4. Roots T-Shirt ($40, Howies): Hippies who want to legalize marijuana always have the same argument: "how can the government outlaw something that is found in nature?" Oh yeah, pal? Last time I checked, all that weed didn't magically sprout up in that little experimental farm you have in your bedroom closet. Regardless of the faulty logic, weed smokers tend to have a self-righteous bond with nature, as if sitting on your porch and smoking a joint while listening to The Allman Brothers qualifies as "being one with nature." This "Never Forget Your Roots" t-shirt will help further this lie. Now, if she could "never forget" where she put her car keys, she'd be all set ("Oh yeahhhhhhhh, they're in my POCKET").
5. Racine Woolen Mills Blanket ($218, Pendleton): "You know what we should do?" she says to you, after she's smoked 400 joints and dove head-first into a bag of Cheetos. "We should totally stay up and watch the sunset." Of course, you'd love to stay up and watch the sunset, but you HAVE A JOB, which requires you to get up about 8 hours before she does. Wrap this hippie-print blanket around her and send her outside to sit on the porch in her favorite Adirondack chair. She can witness nature's beauty first-hand, you can witness rush hour traffic in the morning. What a life.
For more bitter commentary about hippies, follow me on Twitter @AmandaWaas