[12 DAYS OF GIFT GUIDES] Gifts for a Golddigger

"Well, your Uncle Frank is marrying Tanya," your mother will tell you over the phone.  Who the fuck is Tanya?, you ask.  Like most people named Tanya, she is the 25-year-old golddigger who has glommed on to your much older, much richer uncle.  The story of how they met is especially embarrassing and completely predictable: he buys her 45 Appletinis at the local bar, he chooses to ignore that she is approximately two years old than his daughter, she closes her eyes during sex and imagines all of the expensive handbags she'll get for free.  The classic love story, really.   

You know all about this woman's game, mainly because you know all of the lyrics to "Golddigger" by Kanye West and you've seen Anna Nicole Smith's E! True Hollywood Story episode at least three times.  You know that everyone in your family hates her because she regularly steals your uncle's money while simultaneously making him look like a dirty old man idiot.  This year, give her a gift that makes her feel welcome while still subtly saying, "I know your game, slut."       

1. Obey On the Horizon Cuff ($21, 80s Purple): Golddiggers have been around for ages—the first reported case is traced back to the Stone Age when one of the Neanderthals traded in his old, steady hunter-gatherer for a younger model.  The younger woman was interested in him, of course, because he had a bigger cave than she was used to and he promised her a fabulous rotation of wooly mammoth skins to wear and make the other cavewomen jealous.  Let this bitch know that you're wise to her career in "the world's oldest profession" (ie: PROSTITUTION) with this cuff bracelet, covered in hieroglyphics.  Also, I'm pretty sure they spell out "She ain't messing with no broke niggas."        

2. Han Cholo Golddigger Pendant ($51, 80s Purple): There's nothing worse than when a golddigger tries to pretend that she's not a golddigger.  "I'm totally in love with Harold," a 22-year-old blonde girl will say about her 92-year-old wheelchair-bound boyfriend.  Really, lady?  WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.  If Harold was living in a nursing home on Medicare, she sure wouldn't be trying to hop into his bed or feed him whatever mashed vegetables he eats when he doesn't have his dentures in.  Pick up this Golddigger pendant and let her know that it's better to acknowledge that she's a whore for money than keep up this tired charade of insisting that she's in love with someone who is 30 years older than her own father.  We won't respect you for your life choices, but we'll sure as hell respect you for being REAL, sister.  Bonus: the writing on the pendant is so small that Harold won't even be able to read it.   

3. Spiky Leaves Stretch Bracelet ($21.56, ASOS): One of my favorite things about golddiggers is the undeniable fact that their Knight-in-Shining-Wheelchair rescued them from whatever trailer park/strip club they were at, and yet once they start stealing spending his money, they forget that they were dirt-ass poor for the majority of their lives.  Five minutes into having an American Express card, they turn into a poor person's vision of what a rich socialite looks like.  Giant fur coats, ridiculous hair and makeup, jewelry all over the place, GOLD EVERYTHING.  If she had it her way, she'd install an indoor pool and fill it with gold coins so she could do a swan dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.  Sorry, honey, you can take the girl out of the strip club, but you can't take the strip club out of the girl (especially the STDs she picked up there).  Unfortunately for the family, your dumb, aging uncle has already given her the majority of his dead wife's jewelry.  Try to get the good stuff out of her hooker hands and replace it with this Spiky Leaves stretch bracelet instead.  "LOOK, TANYA," you'll say in a patronizing voice usually reserved for when you speak to children and retarded people.  "THIS BRACELET IS SUPER, SUPER SHINY."  Hopefully she'll go for it.

4. Metal Warrior Ring ($24, Urban Outfitters): One time, I watched an episode of MTV's True Life: I'm a Sugar Baby, which is so sick and weird that I feel like I need to take a shower now that I typed that.  In the episode, the "sugar babies" actually considered extorting money out of their "sugar daddies" a noble job, with the same reverance most normal people would assign to war heroes or charity workers.  That's why this Metal Warrior ring is perfect for this girl.  She thinks she's won a war.  She thinks that she's a saint, and that's why she can't believe that her sugar daddy is insisting that they have sex for the first time before he'll pony up the cash for a $500 dress.  "What does he think I am?" she'll ask indignantly, as she drives around town in the car he bought for her before she goes home to the apartment he's paying for.  Listen up, idiots: you never get something for nothing, that's why it's very important to be mindful of the type of people you owe favors to.  No one is going to buy you a Beemer without getting a Hummer in exchange, you follow?     

5. Metal Moustache Ring ($14.38, ASOS): The happiest day of a golddigger's life is presumably when her sugar daddy finally kicks the bucket.  If the sugar daddy was smart, he left her nothing.  It says, "Thanks for all of the weird sex, Tanya.  You're not getting near the fortune I spent my life building."  But if the sugar daddy was stupid, he included her in the will, setting her up for the biggest payday of her life.  She'll cause a scene at the funeral, wailing and crying big, theatrical tears (she always wanted to be an actress, after all!) before heading off to the bar to celebrate her big winnings.  Get her this Metal Moustache ring to help her memorialize her sugar daddy's unfashionable musty Tom Selleck moustache.  It'll distract her while you go to his house and take all of the valuables before she can get her hands on them.   

For more insensitive comments about prostitutes, follow me on Twitter @AmandaWaas