My 5 Best Gifts: Nikki & Krista from Badder Homes & Gardens
Amanda Friday, July 22, 2011 at 10:42AM 
Let's face it: giving the perfect gift to someone is like standing on top of a mountain and shouting, "HEY EVERYONE, I'M NOT AN EMOTIONAL CRIPPLE!"
My 5 Best Gifts is a recurring feature that asks people to give up the goods on the best gifts they've given or received.
Badder Homes & Gardens is a site that puts it simply enough: they are cynical bitches who want their homes to look pretty. Foul-mouthed and hilarious, they manage to find the most ridiculous products out there (ie: urine specimen stickers and a camel toe jell-o mold) and present them to us for our viewing pleasure.
Nikki and Krista have been nice enough to give us both of their 5 best gifts, so here you go: bonus gifts, bonus snark, bonus swearing. You're welcome.
1. Rub Me On Your Butt Shirt (Threadless, $20): Funny t-shirts! Conversation starters and relationship enders, you can't go wrong with a funny t-shirt that tells everyone exactly how you feel. Fun fact: I had a t-shirt in college with a martini on it that said "I like it dirty." What was I thinking when I bought it? Who knows? Would I like to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind everyone that recalls me wearing it? YES OF COURSE.
"This 'Rub Me on Your Butt' soap shirt is cute, but it’s also a valuable lesson," says Nikki. "Don’t let your butt rot, kids. I got this for my nephew and his dad, my brother-in-law, at separate times. I like to find a good gift and then really milk the shit out of it."
2. Cooter Doll (Etsy, $19): If you're emotionally retarded, the best way to cover up any real emotions to immediately follow them up with a joke. You can't give your loved one a cheesy stuffed animal bunny that says "I love you," but you can buy one of these guys.
"I’ve actually given four of these bunnies saying such adorable things as 'Cooter,' 'Asshat,' 'Fuck Off,' and 'Dickbag,'" says Nikki. "Short of giving a kidney or some other life-saving organ, I don’t think you can top this gift if you try."
3. Pictures of Yourself (and your cat): The best gift to give someone is always a photo of yourself, I say. Each year, I give my boss something with my face on it. A framed photo, a coffee mug, a mousepad, a paperweight. All of this might sound crazy, but she has promoted me three times. Is she scared I’ll go all Glenn Close on her? Maybe. Who cares! The point is, a photo of yourself is a great gift.
“For Mother’s Day, my mom asked for individual pictures of me and my sisters,” Nikki says. “I’m not married and I don’t have kids, so unless I wanted to look like a real narcissistic asshole, I needed to find a way around the whole ‘studio session’ thing.”
Fortunately, she found a solution. Nikki posed for this formal portrait with her cat, Katie, to give to her mother. “It took us one hour and endless hisses, but we got the perfect shot,” says Nikki. “I had it printed in wallets and as I type the United States Postal Service is turning it into stamps.” That’s right, custom stamps. That’s shit you don’t see every day, right?
4. Tickets to a Frightening Show: Do you have a friend that always drags you to terrible concerts and shows? You think to yourself, “I definitely didn’t want to spend my Friday night at this Off-Off-Off-Off-Broadway version of The Glass Menagerie, but somehow I’m here.” This is the price you pay for being a good friend. If you have balls like me, you will eventually tell this friend, “I love you very much, but I’m not having sex with you, so there’s no reason for me to continue going to these Led Zeppelin cover band concerts with you.”
She’s finally resigned herself to the fact you’ll never go with her to one of those show again, so a great gift would be to surprise her with tickets to a show she’ll love and you’ll absolutely hate. For example:
“I went to visit my gal pal Cassidy in Chicago and her big surprise for me was a ticket to the Acro-Cats,” says Nikki. “It’s a bunch of cats that do tricks, which includes performing in the RockCats, America’s only all-cat band. It was easily one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. AND they sell handmade felt cat ears at the show for $1. AND I still wear them when I’m home alone. AND of course I call it 'cattin’ around.' AND I can’t believe I made it through this without a single pussy joke.”
5. Pink Christmas Tree: "The UK has a company called Paperchase that makes the greatest things," says Nikki. "I came across a neon-ish pink six-foot Christmas tree last Christmas, and I called my mom and dropped the hint, but was pretty sure she ignored me as only a mother can. Imagine my surprise Christmas morning when it was under the tree. Not only did she haul it from Colorado (where she lives) to Dallas (where I live), she also managed to wrap it, too. If you ask me, this tree beats that whole giving me life thing any day."
1. McKenna Jewely Box (Pottery Barn, $99): Remember hope chests? I never understood the idea of a hope chest, mainly because my hopes and dreams never involved cloth napkins and fine china. That said, I love nicely made boxes of all sorts. ESPECIALLY if they're laquered or leather.
"My mom got me the much-prettier Porcelain Blue version of this leather jewelry box," says Krista. "It currently holds my engagement ring, which is awesome because I’m not engaged. But that didn’t stop my Mom from giving the family heirloom to my boyfriend and pointing out that I’m not getting any younger."
2. Koostik Speaker ($90, Koostik): One of the biggest white person problems I have is how I'm supposed to play music out of my iPhone while not messing up the decor of my apartment.
"When listening to music, my boyfriend used to balance his phone on our sugar jar to precisely bounce sound off our kitchen subway tiles," says Krista. "Now he uses the Koostik acoustic iPod speaker for perfect amplification. Did I mention that we don’t have electricity? We traded it for some Whitesnake floor tickets, three magic beans, and a lifetime supply of Sour Patch Kids."
3. Cable-Knit Boots: "I love these super comfy loungin’ boots from my bestie, but they are officially the least sexual thing a woman can put on her body," says Krista. "I like to pair mine with underoos, a tank top and an interpretive dance routine. My boyfriend prefers that I wear them while I’m telling people that we’re no longer together."
4. Hook Box (Lucanichetto): Giving the gift of storage solutions is a great way to tell your loved ones, "Hey, why don't you get your fucking act together?" and "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE." The Hook Box is a subtle way to say "I love you, but I don't want my life to so closely resemble an episode of Hoarders. Let's get organized!"
"This Hook Box was a Christmas gift I received four years ago," says Krista. "The box part is ideal for storing expired Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons and the hook is stronger than Mickey Rooney’s will to live. The only difference with mine is that much like my heart, it’s black on the inside."
5. Crab Claw Necklace ($90, Etsy): Word to the wise: if you're into astrological bullshit, don't ever try to date me. BUT, if you know someone who's into astrological bullshit, jewelry that's reminiscent of their "sign" is a perfect gift.
"I’m a Cancer, so my brother got me a badass crab claw necklace for my 30th birthday," says Krista. "It’s even cast from actual clab craws. Wow, that was a typo, but doesn’t “Clab Craw” sound like a Victorian STD? 'Save yer shillings, eh? There’s a putrid bout of Clab Craw nestled in ye Ladybird’s knickers.' I’m sorry… I don’t know what just happened."
For more sarcasm and swearing, follow Badder Homes & Gardens on Twitter @BadderHomes, and me @AmandaWaas.
Wanna be featured on My 5 Best Gifts? Email me.
Reader Comments (3)
Amanda - these girls are a good find, thank you! Didn't realize I needed cool speakers. There must be someone on my list who needs the t-shirt. LOL!
I'm always saying I need more nonsexual boots.
@Lisa: They're awesome!
@Kristin: I tell myself that every day.