You know what the TV ads used to say: bring out the Hellman's, bring out the best. LIES. If you're the type of person who refers to a tiny dish as a "ramekin" or a condiment as a "roumelade," you are the type of person who will appreciate Empire Mayo (Prices Vary, Empire Mayo).
Empire Mayo is a relatively new, Brooklyn-based company that exists solely for self-righteous foodies who can't be bothered with the regular stuff their mothers used to stock the pantry with.
With flavors like black garlic, red chili, rosemary, and white truffle, it'll give your sandwiches that supposed "tangy zip" that Miracle Whip always claimed ownership of.