[GIFTED] Handy Shredder

For years, the only thing you and your co-workers have ever talked about is how much you hate your office and how much you want to get the hell out of there.  Then, there's that magic moment in time where everyone actually starts leaving.

One by one, like parishioners ducking out early to beat the brunch crowds, they're jumping ship. You're stuck at endless goodbye happy hours for these lucky assholes, nursing two beers and then going home to drown your sorrows over LinkedIn and a bottle of scotch. 

And when it's finally your turn to jump ship, you still feel a strange attachment to those left in the trenches. As you tap dance through your two weeks, give your comrades this Handy Shredder ($11.95, Muji).  At $12, it says "Yeah, I can afford wasteful gifts" and "I feel sorry for you even if I don't give a shit about monthly reports anymore." Maybe they'll get lucky and slice a finger while shredding expense reports.  Workman's comp: get paid while starting your wedding planning business.