At You're Welcome, we spend a lot of time giving you gift suggestions on what you SHOULD buy. Seriously, we provide you gift suggestions EVERY DAY that will help you to NOT fuck things up with your mom, your husband, and your boss by giving them yet another shitty gift that they'll hate. For Valentine's Day, we thought we'd try something new—a gift guide assembled with gifts that you should never give your wife for Valentine's Day, as picked by HGTV host and former Bachelorette contestant Chris Lambton.
Okay, so full disclosure: I have never seen one full episode of The Bachelorette or The Bachelor. Who cares about love when you can witness someone's crippling drug addiction or see some lady's shitty bathroom get an upgrade? BUT as evidenced by the fact that both shows are on season 73 or something, it's clear that people love that kind of stuff. And Chris, along with his new wife and former Bachelor alum Peyton are living proof that you CAN find love on reality TV. Maybe not with the person that the producers of the show intended it to be, but like in the back, near the craft services table or at a promotional cocktail party that you're required to go to.
REGARDLESS, they both met, fell in love, and got hitched. They also started making the kind of reality television that I can get on board with—an HGTV show called Going Yard, where they combine Chris' landscaping skills with Peyton's design and style expertise to give people the backyards of their DREAMS (as an aside, why do so many people's dream backyards include a pizza oven?).
With all of this time they spend together, you would think that Lambton would be able to get the ever-important Valentine's Day gift right. OR CAN HE?
And so, without any further rambling, here are Chris Lambton's "5 Gifts to Never Give Your Wife on Valentine's Day."
1. Chainsaw (Prices Vary, Stihl USA): "Nothing says love like a new Stihl Chainsaw...with a 25" blade, because size does matter. I think Peyton will love cutting fire wood, so she should have the very best chainsaw!"
2. Bond 50: The Complete 22 Film Collection ($129.99, Amazon): "Nothing says 'man’s man' like 'Bond, James Bond.' Think of all the fun Peyton will have watching 50 years of classic Bond moments—plus 130 hours of bonus footage! What a dream come true!"
3. Surftech Stand-Up Paddle Board ($1,200, REI): "A stand-up paddle board will help you both stay in shape while you're having fun in the water. I'll just have to make sure she doesn’t get the idea that we're heading to Hawaii for a winter vacation!"
4. New England Patriots Mounted Memories Set ($54.99, NFL Shop): "Most women have a really easy time fitting sports memorabilia into their home decor. For Peyton—a native Texan and lifelong Cowboys fan—I think a New England Patriots tribute would be the perfect choice."
5. Ale in the Mail Microbrew of the Month Club (Memberships start at $25 per month, Ale in the Mail): "The Microbrew Beer of the month club is the gift that keeps on giving all year long. Invite all of your friends over for beers. She'll be so happy about it!"
Happy Valentine's Day, jerks. Check out Going Yard on HGTV—new episodes start in May.
And, as always, follow me on Twitter @AmandaWaas.