[GIFTED] Get Your Dupa Back to the Midwest T-Shirt

If you grew up in a household that was the magical combination of Polish AND Midwestern, you will relate to this Get Your Dupa Back to the Midwest T-Shirt ($25, The Social Dept). 

Dupa, of course, is the Polish word for "ass," which is a word that your mother, grandmother, or assorted loud aunts would yell at you (ie: "I'm gonna smack your dupa if you don't stop screaming" or, at the dinner table "Sit down on your dupa and eat your delicious borscht"). 

Your mother will love this shirt because it calls to mind her Polish heritage and also does the nagging for her.  Why don't you visit anymore?  You just come home on the holidays and that's it?  Get your dupa back here for a real visit this year, you dumb Polack. 

[GIFTED] Book Stack Plant Potter

Your mother could care less about gardening when you were growing up, leaving all of the yard work to your father.  But when she retired, she had to find something to do, and the preferred activities of sleeping, eating, and drinking got too routine, she thought that she might give it a try.  It's what old people do, after all.

This Book Stack Plant Potter (Starting at $45, Uncommon Goods) will be the perfect Mother's Day gift that honors the two most boring hobbies on Earth—reading and gardening.  Every time you pass by this planter, you can laugh and say, "A garden is a friend you can visit anytime... SINCE YOU HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA" and your mom will yell at you and it will be the best/worst Mother's Day ever.  

[YOU'RE WELCOME] Gifts for the Mom Who is Reinventing Herself

You leave home and you come back on the holidays and after a few years, you begin to wonder, “Who IS this woman?” 

All of a sudden your mom is taking pottery classes on Tuesday evenings, a Pilates class on Saturday mornings, and is always going out for drinks with “the girls.” 

You never remembered her having interests or friends (who the hell are these “girls” she’s hanging out with, anyway?), because as a mom, she went along with what everyone else wanted because the greatest gift you can get as a mom is PEACE AND QUIET.  She couldn’t care less if she had to sit through 17 hours of Pee Wee’s Playhouse as long no one was arguing with each other.    

But after over 20 years of indentured servitude, you left home and she was left to figure out what to do with all of the time she has on her hands now that she’s not spending all of her free time wrapped up in doing things for her lazy, ungrateful children (ie: you and your siblings).   

She’s going through a soul-searching period, much like the one you went through when you were a college freshman (although her soul-searching period probably includes less experimentation with drugs).  Is she the type of person who likes Zumba?  Edamame?  Skydiving? WE’LL FIND OUT SOON. 

All of this change might alarm you.  Your mom is kind of old and kind of fragile isn’t she?  What if she falls down?  What if she has one drink too many and tells your Aunt Sharon what she REALLY thinks?  RELAX.  Embrace the change, like she is.   She’ll be fine.

Let her know that you’re supporting her scary soul searching by buying her any of the gifts on this list. 

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[GIFTED] Bourbon Buffet

There are people who like no-frills drinking—screw-top beers, pouring the tequila straight into a shot glass and then straight down their throats—and then there are people that like the EVENT of drinking.  The slicing of the limes, the salting of the rim, the crushing of the ice—all of that frou frou shit—makes for an EXPERIENCE.  

This Bourbon Buffet ($115, Bourbon & Boots) sure sets the stage for the aforementioned experience, providing a handsome wooden tray with two bourbon tumblers, a dish for ice, and of course, the all-important slot for the booze. 

[GIFTED] Kentucky State-Shaped Cutting Board

Let me ask you a simple question: What is more appropriate for you to cut up fresh mint leaves for your mint juleps on Kentucky Derby day?  A regular old cutting board, or a cutting board SHAPED LIKE THE FUCKING STATE OF KENTUCKY?

The answer is obvious, isn't it.  Pick up this Kentucky State-Shaped Cutting Board ($48, A. Heirloom) and all will be right in the world.  Also: A. Heirloom makes cutting boards for all 50 states, so even if your love for Kentucky is as fleeting as your love for mint juleps, you'll find one you DO like.