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How to Become a Gentrification Pioneer

Check out my offensive guide to becoming a Gentrification Pioneer in Brooklyn on Fucked in Park Slope.


[GIFTED] Owl Kitchen Timers

You know that obnoxious person.  The one that doesn't use recipes or measuring cups or timers.  You can't make Rice-a-Roni without studying the box for 45 minutes, but this bitch can just throw together a souflee without even trying.  It's the kind of effortless existence that makes you want to kill someone.

Buy these Owl Kitchen Timers ($23, Kikkerland) for anyone who is the complete opposite of that person.  The one that's a disaster in the kitchen but wants to up their cooking prowess.  


Gifts for Your Mom

Think about the last phone conversation you had with your mother.  At some point, it probably involved her listening to you while you described what kind of sandwich you had for lunch. 

“Did it have lettuce on it?” she asked. 

The woman is really interested in that sandwich you had, because no one cares more about every single mundane detail of your life quite like your mother does.  Because she literally created you, she always seems to be really excited when you can accomplish even the most basic tasks. 

You tie your shoes, and she shakes her head and smiles.  My child can tie her shoes all by herself, she’s thinking, completely ignoring the fact that you’re 30 years old and that even Forrest Gump could tie his own shoes. 

Your mother cares for you 365 days a year, listening to your hopes, dreams, fears, and sandwich selections ad nauseam, so the least you can do is make a big deal about her for one day.  A good gift is important, but start with the little things: don’t get an “attitude” with her on the phone like you usually do, and for once, don’t cut her off as she rambles on about the lives of extended family members that you don’t care about. 

We all have to start somewhere. 

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[GIFTED] Puzzle Dinner Tray

Remember puzzles?  They were what children played with before they turned into video game-playing drones who shoot up their high schools.  My six-year-old cousin has a Blackberry, so it's very doubtful that she would be impressed by this puzzle dinner tray ($58, Switch Modern), but you never know, right?


[GIFTED] Blow Up Bamboo Basket

True confessions: I always thought that when I got my own apartment that I would have super-modern decor.  

Sharp angles!  Glass everything!  Black everything!  Back like my heart!

Unfortunately, when it comes to design, I am finding that I have an inner hippie just begging to get out (probably because she wants some weed. Just kidding, I did that once and it was STUPID). 

Check out this Blow Up Bamboo Basket ($112, Switch Modern), which is about as close to wanting to hug a tree as I'll ever come.  This is a big deal for someone who considers staying at the Hampton Inn as camping.