[YOU'RE WELCOME] How to Get Pumped for the Kentucky Derby

The Kentucky Derby is right around the corner, but even if you can’t head to the races in person this Friday, you can still celebrate.

Aside from the races, this historical event boils down to two things: style and booze. Each year, people head to Churchill Downs in droves, wearing their best linen outfits (white and pastel colors only). They spend the better part of the afternoon pretending to pay attention to the races while silently judging everyone’s fashion choices while sipping mint juleps.

The good news is that you don’t have to head to Louisville to do any of these things, so cue up the TV, buy everything on this list of essentials, and you’ll have the perfect Kentucky Derby party—whether you’re in New York City or Louisville.

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[GIFTED] The Mason Shaker

All winter, you spent time indoors, drinking pints full of dark stout beer and big pitchers full of Seasonal Affective Disorder. But now Spring is here, so it's time to set aside all of those winter refreshments in favor of light, fruity, minty drinks.

You may never be as cool (or douchey?) as the vest-wearing, mustachioed bartender at all of those fancy cocktail bars that are cropping up, but you can get the swagger by practicing mixing drinks with The Mason Shaker ($29, Bourbon & Boots) .

This product combines the mason jar style that is so popular on every girl's dream wedding on Etsy with an actual functional design so that you can mix your mint juleps in something that is more than appropriate. Here's to Spring.

[GIFTED] Hold Your Horses Card

This is the week leading up to the Kentucky Derby, and while thousands of people will be heading to Churchill Downs this weekend to take in the Derby for real, the rest of us will have it on in the background as we proceed to get drunk on bourbon while wearing gingham.  

This Hold Your Horses Card ($4, Southern Fried Design Barn) is extremely appropos for the occasion.  It's horse themed for the Kentucky Derby, of course, but it also relays a very important message for drunks like you and me who will be around an inordinate amount of hard alcohol: hold your horses.  Slow the F down.  You don't want to fall down drunk, do you? That would totally mess up your white linen suit.   

[GIFTED] Seamless & Steadfast Steel Enamel Plates

Do you live in a goddamned cabin?  OR, are you one of those city dbags who longs to live in a goddamned cabin but you could never leave behind your "I can get pancakes delivered at 3am if I want to" city life? 

These Seamless & Steadfast Steel Enamel Plates ($35 for set of 2, Best Made Co.) are for you!  They will look great while you're eating a rare Elk steak you hunted yourself or a filet mignon that you bought in the gourmet market across the street from your apartment.

[WHAT I BOUGHT] Fossil Austin Shopper

Oh hell yeah, bitches—it's tote bag season!  I had been in love with my yellow and tan magazine tote from Kate Spade, but after two summers of being dragged to every outdoor happy hour, beer hall day drinking, and the like, it's looking a bit rough.

My quest to get a new tote bag was not easy because I'm always trying to find things that are both masculine and feminine.  Unfortunately for me, this year's Kate Spade line features totes like this that are the equivalent of douchey graphic tees, festooned with contrived quotes from Dorothy Parker.  NO THANKS.  The male equivalent of Kate Spade—Jack Spade—was also pretty uninspired. 

I thought maybe I should forgo the buying of a new tote in favor of doing what I did in college, which was put everything in my pockets and look like a fucking slob 24/7, but let's NOT go backwards, right?

Then, my girlfriend bought a cute bag from Fossil.  I was all like, "Doesn't Fossil make cheap watches for college students?"  Not exactly.  They have some good shit in there, like the bag I ended up buying: the Austin Shopper ($148, Fossil).  Not bad, right?