[GIFTED] Defense Mat

The Bible insists that you love your neighbor, but have you ever even met your neighbor, let alone fell in love with them?  My neighbor is a 70-year-old hoarder who calls me "Lisa" half the time.  When she's not speaking to me in broken English and telling me terrifying things like, "The people upstairs have bed bugs" or " I saw a man on the fire escape last night trying to break into your apartment," she's picking through the trash in the front of the building.

So when it comes to protecting yourself and your possessions, I would have absolutely no qualms with trying to trick a burglar into going next door instead.  This Defense Mat ($50, American Design Club) will help lead them away from your door.  And your valuables.    

[GIFTED] Whale Tissue Box

Listen, there's nothing better to BLOW YOUR NOSE WITH than a tissue box made out of a Whale ($39.99, Gnome Sweeet Gnome).  Dry your tears, you tiny little baby.  

This is a big endorsement from me because the only thing I am scared of more than getting bed bugs is whales.  Seriously, if we're spending some time together and you suggest we go whale watching, WATCH OUT. 

[GIFTED] You Are Not the Father Card

So your brother's trashy girlfriend is pregnant.  Your whole family doesn't want to believe that their sweet baby boy could have knocked some girl up.  He doesn't believe it either.  

So, now you're reduced to a Maury Povich-type situation where you're waiting on a paternity test to see if this little bastard is actually part of your family.  

MAN, won't you all be relieved when the test comes up negative and he can get through high school without being on 16 & Pregnant.  Celebrate the good news with this You Are NOT the Father Card ($3.50, Collette Paperie).  Congrats, buddy.  Wrap it up.  Next time, you won't be so lucky.    

[GIFTED] Octopus Flask

Do you ever find yourself saying, "God, I'm so busy that I wish I had 8 arms like an octopus" ?  Cool, weirdo.  You really want to be like Ursula from The Little Mermaid?  She was EVIL and looked like Divine the drag queen.  

You know what helps you feel like you have 8 arms?  ALCOHOL.  Fill up this Octopus Flask ($17.95, Whimsy & Ink) with some whiskey and you'll feel like you can get EVERYTHING done, before you promptly pass out on your couch.  

[GIFTED] Fishfood Nesting Fish Plates

Fish are friends, not food, right, Finding Nemo?

Hell, no!  Seafood is delicious and good for you!  

These Fishfood Nesting Plates ($22, Spoon Sisters) are the perfect gift for any pescatarian that loves to throw dinner parties.  Or, they're perfect for any backstabbing shark that you work with or used to date.