[GIFTED] Personalized Chocolate Candy Eggs

Remember when you would all gather around the table and dye eggs on Easter?  I begrudgingly participated into my teens and when I would write sarcastic religious messages on the eggs in white crayon.  What I wrote didn't appear until after the eggs were dyed and I was already downstairs in my basement bedroom blasting pop punk music and pretending like I was a rebel.  

These Personalized Chocolate Candy Eggs ($43 for a set of 6, Andie's Specialty Sweets) will allow you to write weird messages like "Christ," "Has," "Risen," (which is legit something I wrote on an egg, circa 2002) and still have it look elegant. 

[YOU'RE WELCOME] Gifts to Stuff in Your Easter Basket

Easter is supposedly the holiest holiday in the Catholic faith, but you, like most Catholics, are too drunk or selfish to realize or acknowledge the religious significance.

As far as you’re concerned, Jesus rising from the dead is probably not possible unless David Blaine was involved, and you’re pretty sure he’s not that old. Also: the Crucifixion? DOWNER. So let’s dye eggs, hide them around the house, and tell our kids they’re gifts from a giant bunny that has no conceivable back-story. Think about it: you know why Rudolph’s nose is red, you’re aware of the Tooth Fairy’s business wheelings and dealings, but the Easter Bunny? No clue what that dude’s story is. Cool, let’s eat some chocolates from him even though he’s a STRANGER.

So here's a gaggle of gifts that you can scoop up just in time for Easter.  Shove them into a basket and call it a day. 

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[GIFTED] Donut Mug

Every morning, you march into Dunkin Donuts like a champion.  You have trained yourself like an insecure teenage girl, so you don't even notice the donuts anymore.  You order the biggest coffee available.  You order it black.  BLACK LIKE YOUR HEART.  

As you turn to leave, out of the corner of your eye, you catch the glistening donuts.  They're saying, "Eat me, Kristina!  I'm so delicious!  You've been working so hard, you deserve a treat!"

NOPE. You walk out.  You have a terrible Greek yogurt and raw almonds in your bag to sustain you.  

Listen, the next time someone (your boyfriend/husband) asks you why you're acting so crazy, you can tell him that you have a.) been on a diet for 15+ years and b.) every morning, donuts talk to you.  You know who would be great on a deserted island?  WOMEN.  We starve ourselves so much that we wouldn't even notice much of a difference when we're stranded.  "Oh, this tree bark is totally fine for a snack," we'll say.  "Lots of fiber." 

This Donut Mug ($14, Fred Flare) is the perfect vessel to drink out of when you're sitting at your desk, drinking coffee and crying.  YOU ARE HUNGRY.  SO HUNGRY.  

[GIFTED] Livin' in Sin Card

So your cousin is moving in with her boyfriend and your conservative family is upset about it.  You cannot believe that people living in the 2012—the year of The Jersey Shore and Tiger Blood—would be so old-fashioned about things.

Shouldn't they be happy that their baby girl is going to move in with this idiot, be surrounded by his consistent moronic and disgusting behaviors, and realize that she's made a terrible mistake?  The best pre-nup agreement is living together, because it basically ensures that you'll never get married to begin with. 

Let these puritanical morons know that you support and celebrate your cousin's decision to shack up with a dreadlocked, pot-smoking grad student with this Livin' in Sin Card ($3.50, Colette Paperie).

Her parents may never forgive her, but Jesus will (if she's Catholic). 

[GIFTED] Burger iPhone Case

Here are the three types of people who would love to get this Burger iPhone Case ($18.99, Walls Parks) as a gift:

1. The Hamburgler

2. Liz Lemon

3. All of the contestants on The Biggest Loser

4. Teenage boys

5. Disgruntled fast food employees

Do you have any of those people in your life?  What are you waiting for, Jimmy Buffet?  This iPhone case is a bona fide cheeseburger in paradise.