[GIFTED] Fetch Eyewear

Think back to the last time you purchased glasses. Whether they were sunglasses or regular eyeglasses—it doesn’t matter. The experience is the same. You were rushed, and we all know that when we’re rushed, we make regrettable decisions. Why do we feel rushed?

Reason #1: The salesperson is standing directly next to you, rolling her eyes and silently willing you to just pick out a pair of frames already so she can get back to her desk and back to her Facebook stalking.

Reason #2: You want to try on 50 pairs of glasses, but you’re painfully aware that this scenario is not going to turn into one of those makeover montages that happen in romantic comedies where the main character tries one one billion versions of everything from dresses to vintage t-shirts to big sunhats and fedoras to over-sized sunglasses and hi-larious nerd glasses. You’re not allowed to do that in real life unless you have a reality show or a billion dollars, so you try on fewer pairs than you want to in an effort to not look like a ridiculous diva.

Reason #3: Speaking of not wanting to look like a diva, when trying on frames at the store, you are forced to resist the urge to do what you would do in front of the mirror at home, which is preen in front of it for 45 minutes, acting out every possible facial expression like a psychopath. You’d practice your “nice to meet you” smile, your “But you said you’d give me a raise in Q2, boss” face, and, of course, your “social media duckface” expression.

For all of these reasons, you make a quick decision, buy the frames, and go home and wait for them to be fitted with your prescription. You can’t remember what they look like the minute you walk out of the store, so you have no idea what to expect when you pick them up. You try to describe them to your friends and family, but paint a confusing picture, saying things like, “Well, they’re brownish black, and they’re sort of round but kind of square.” You’re fooling no one: you have no idea what they look like, and more importantly, you have no idea what they look like on you, which is pretty tragic, because glasses are worn ON YOUR FACE. It’s kind of impossible for people to interact with you and not see them.

This whole process is probably why you’re currently wearing the same pair of glasses you’ve had for the past 10 years. You know it’s time to upgrade, but you’re afraid.  Could you pull off those angular glasses? Are those even in style anymore? Stop. It’s okay.

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[GIFTED] Get Up, Stand Up Audio System

When I was growing up, my dad loved to blast music in the house on the weekends.  You would think that my love of classic rock and Motown would have come from these loud weekends at home when my boy band music from my dinky clock radio in my room competed with his gigantic, professional-grade stereo in the living room, but not so much. 

Here are the albums that my father blasted ad naseum on the weekends throughout my formative years: 

Sting, Englishman in New York (Solid)

America, History: America's Greatest Hits (Not terrible)

Billy Ocean, Love Zone (What?)

George Michael, Faith (Are you kidding me?)

The Carpenters, The Essential Collection (What the FUCK?)

Yes, this incredibly diverse selection of largely crappy music is unfortunately the soundtrack of my childhood. I can't decide if I'm mildly autistic or if the songs have just been played so much that the lyrics have been imprinted on the insides of my eyelids, but if you asked me to, I could sing every word of Billy Ocean's "When the Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going)" and The Carpenters' "Rainy Days and Mondays." Both would be great karaoke songs, now that I'm thinking of it.  

Of course, the adult themes in this music proved to be confusing for my child-mind—when Sting says that he's an alien in "Englishman in New York," I pictured space aliens, and when America sang about a horse with no name, I wondered why the fuck they didn't just name the thing.  Call him Mr. Ed, who cares?  Why write a whole song about it?  I was also confused about by the ENTIRETY of George Michael's Faith album, although, as we later found out, so was he.

The point of this trip down memory lane is this: dads love to play their music loud and proud.  They don't give a fuck if you think The Carpenters are lame or if George Michael sucks.  This Get Up, Stand Up Audio System ($300, House of Marley) will let him play all of his horrible music as loud as he wants, directly from his phone.  It even comes with a remote, so he can play the same song over and over, like my dad did with "Get Out of My Dreams (And Into My Car)."

[GIFTED] Jack Spade Watches

If your dad is particularly stylish (or desperately trying to be), the obvious upgrade is in the accessories.  New ties and socks are easy ways to show people that he's not just some schlubby old guy.  Trading in his more expensive, classic watch in favor of something more modern and colorful is also a good way to do this.  These Conway 38MM Watches ($298, Jack Spade) in red and in orange scream, "Hey guys, I may be old, but I'm still fun!," and perhaps most important to his young co-workers, he's got enough money to cover everyone's Happy Hour bar tab.  What a cool guy!

[GIFTED] Banana Shorts

THERE'S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND.  After years and years of waiting, new Arrested Development episodes are available on Netflix, and obviously, these Banana Shorts ($165, Jack Spade) are perfect to wear while you're binge-watching, and a good excuse for all of you Never Nudes to change out your jean shorts for something a little more comfortable/breathable.

[GIFTED] Scottish Herringbone Throw

If you have literally no idea what you buy your mother for Mother's Day, a nice throw, like this Scottish Herringbone Throw ($196, Best Made Co.) is the perfect gift.  Why is this?

1. Moms are always cold (when they're not having a hot flash, that is)

2. Moms like to relax—snuggling up with a blanket and turning on an NCIS marathon or reading Danielle Steele on her Kindle sounds like her idea of Heaven.  After years of being in a perpetual state of cat-like readiness needed to raise irresponsible, smart-mouthed teenagers, she deserves to not have to be on edge all the time, wondering if you're going to walk through the door with a weird piercing (or wondering if you're going to walk through the door at all).