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Entries in 12 days of christmas (42)


[12 DAYS OF GIFT GUIDES] Here's All of 'Em

Okay, it's December 24.  You're pretty screwed.  Your only choice is to go to Target and buy a bunch of the stuff featured in this Last-Minute Gift Guide

But—for inspiration for next year—or if you just want to have a bunch of chuckles while you're in your parents basement, ignoring your family, check out ALL of 2013's 12 Days of Gift Guides.   


[SPONSORED] So You Waited Until the Last Minute...

Merry Christmas, procrastinator.  It's December 23, and you haven't purchased a SINGLE present for the people who mean the most to you.  Great job, chief.  Instead of throwing in the towel and giving everyone gift cards you bought at the grocery store, why don't you head to Target and pick out some stuff that'll make everyone happy, and make you look good (for once).  

Even better news: you'll have a chance to win some of the items listed in the round-up.  Check it out...   

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[12 DAYS OF GIFT GUIDES] Gifts for the Overly-Artistic Child

The moment sister found out she was pregnant, she set out to make sure she "nurtured the baby's creative side."  This bitch held headphones playing classical music up to her belly and read the fetus Nietzsche because she wanted her baby to come right out of the womb and be able to have a frank discussion about existentialism.

It's no wonder your sister is now raising an overly-artistic, precocious child.  You are the aunt of a five-year-old know-it-all.  On one hand, precocious children are great because it's interesting to hear very adult thoughts and questions come out of a tiny child.  They're terrible because you'll find yourself in the grocery store trying to explain your homosexuality to a five-year-old girl who DOES NOT GET IT but will NOT let it go ("No, we're not roommates.  No, we're not sisters").  It's like those commercials for Quaker Oats Chewy Bars (kid talking to a bride at her wedding: "My mom says she can't believe you wore white"). 

What the hell do you do with kids who are too smart for their own good?  Borrow a trick from your grandmother—keep those tiny hands busy.  This smart ass kid better get ready for art projects that will BLOW his mind.       

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[12 DAYS OF GIFT GUIDES] Gifts for the Pre-Teen Girl Who Hates Everything 

Everyone says that teenagers are the worst, but really, the ages of 10-12 are the most obnoxious years a parent has to endure, mainly because of the hormones, braces, the early onset of acne, strange hair growth, and just the general fact that middle schoolers are some of the most horrible people on EARTH. 

Seriously, test yourself for a second:

You are on the subway.  What group of people is most quickly going to make you get up and move?

A.) A mariachi band playing "Feliz Navidad" 

B.) A gaggle of douchebag stockbrokers discussing about their upcoming holiday ski trips 

C.) A group of young girls

You definitely picked C, because young girls—especially when they run in a pack—are fucking terrifying.  They will hone in on what you don't like about yourself and call it out.  Or worse, they'll stare at you, whisper to each other, and then laugh uproariously, leaving you to spiral silently, wondering what they're laughing at you about.  You are suddenly 12 years old again, too.  They're probably talking about my ridiculous curly hair, you'll think to yourself.   

These girls are hormonal, angry, they literally hate everything, and they are RUDE because they still value honesty (or "keeping it real" as they call it) over preserving people's feelings.  All of these things make them an absolute nightmare to buy a gift for.  So, we've compiled a PAINSTAKING list of things that the obscenely negative pre-teen girl in your life MIGHT not completely hate.  On the eye roll scale of one to ten (one being no eye roll and ten being aneursym-inducing eye roll), we're aiming for a solid five or under.  You never know, though.  There's always iTunes gift cards.  Kids love those.   

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[12 DAYS OF GIFT GUIDES] Gifts for Your Mother, Who is "Trying to Downsize"

"This year is the year," your mother has told you for the past five years.  The woman has been MEANING to get organized for as long as you can remember, but her organizational intentions were never carried out, likely because going through a lifetime of items that are not only your own, but your husband's, your kids', your parents', and the belongings of other assorted dead relatives, is a truly thankless and exhausting task.  That's why the basement, attic, garage, and assorted closets around the house remain packed to the brim with stuff.  

But now that she's retired and all of the kids have moved out of the house, she's run out of excuses, and she's also tired of hearing your father drone on and on about how he's "not going to live like this anymore." 

So, this year, you can help her out by giving her stuff that will help her get organized.  When you're helping her, though, don't tell her that you're only doing this now so that you don't have to deal with it when she's dead.  This is an instance where your foresight will not be welcomed.  Nobody wants to hear that.

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