What kind of grown man wants cookies and milk over alcohol and cigarettes? A WEIRD ONE. Listen—we all know that Santa doesn't want your bullshit milk and your bullshit cookies. If you spent all night flying all over the world delivering presents BY YOURSELF, you'd want a nice cold beer, not a goddamned glass of milk that's probably curdled because little Cindy Loo Who put it on the fireplace 6 hours ago.
That's why this Santa's Private Reserve Beer Briefcase ($75, Give Them Beer) is perfect to leave out for Santa this year. And, since mom and dad end up eating the cookies and drinking the milk to carry on the lie that they've told their children, they will absolutely love to play Santa and drink this stuff after a long night of wrapping presents that they get zero credit for buying. Thanks, Santa.