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Entries in food (72)


[GIFTED] Ugly Holiday Sweater Cookies

10 years ago, Ugly Holiday Sweater Parties didn't exist.  We all just wore ugly holiday sweaters unironically because our moms bought them for us and we thought they were festive.  I remember in high school, some adorable but geeky and clueless kid who had yet to realize his own potential as an attractive human being wore a Christmas sweater with a reindeer on it and everyone made fun of him behind his back.  I just saw that same sweater on J Crew's website for like $97.  WHAT IS UGLY ANYMORE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW.  

But anyway, the point is—Ugly Holiday Sweater Parties are now a thing.  For the first one you got invited to, you indulged the myth that you'd be able to buy a hideous/hilarious sweater at the Salvation Army for 75 cents.  Not true.  It was never true.  So you ended up having to go to the old lady section of JC Penney and drop $45 on something ugly with snowmen stitched on it just for the sake of a joke.  Then, nobody threw an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party for a few years and you threw the sweater out when you moved, thinking, "I'm never gonna wear this again."  Of course, right after you throw it away, one of your friends announces they're having an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party and you have to drag yourself BACK to JC Penney and get down with Alfred Dunner AGAIN.       

But they're fun, right?  OH WHAT FUN IT IS.  Listen, instead of dropping your precious cash on ANOTHER ugly sweater you'll never wear again, wear a regular sweater and show up with a tray of these Ugly Holiday Sweater Cookies ($50, Harry & David).  You're still participating, but 1.) you're not dressed like an asshole and 2.) everyone will love you for bringing theme-appropriate snacks.  


[GIFTED] Meat: Everything You Need to Know

Everything about the Thanksgiving meal revolves around the turkey, which is ridiculous because turkey is actually one of the most boring meats you could possibily cook.  Steak, chicken, fish—you have them all of the time.  They just require a little seasoning, and a little braising, sauteeing, frying... whatever your preferred method.  But turkey?  When do you roast a whole turkey aside from one day per year?  Do I hear "never?" That's right.  

And for the people who eat turkey sandwiches on the regular, that's fine, but those sandwiches taste good not because turkey tastes good, but because you're putting it on bread, adding cheese, lettuce, tomato, condiments, etc.  Shoe leather could taste good if you put it between some good bread and topped it with enough acoutrements.  

I'm all for tradition, but turkey can blow me any day that isn't Thanksgiving day.  That's why I'm all over Meat: Everything You Need to Know ($27, Amazon), an impressive tome written by the legendary NYC meat man Pat LaFrieda.  The book features 75 recipes for beef, pork, lamb, veal and poultry, served alongside mouth-watering photos—not a turkey recipe in sight.  Snatch this book up for yourself and for the self-righteous, meat-loving foodie in your life ASAP.  


[GIFTED] Gobble Goodies

So you got invited to your friend's house for Thanksgiving.  Maybe you're going to their parents' house.  Maybe they're actually hosting it themselves because they're adults and holy shit when did we all get so OLD?  Either scenario is happening.  Because you don't have to do the psychotic running around with your hair on fire that is planning and executing a Thanksgiving dinner, you need to act extra grateful when you show up and are confronted with your apron-clad, sweaty-faced host who has spent the last week shopping, cleaning, obsessing, and cooking.

Hand her this EXTRA THOUGHTFUL Gobble Goodies Basket ($50, Mouth) that she can either put out for the guests because she accidentally burnt one of the appetizers, or she can shove in the corner of the kitchen and enjoy herself when this crazy holiday is over and everyone has gotten out of her goddamned house for good. Either way, she'll appreciate the gesture. 


[GIFTED] Pumpkin Pie Marshmallows

Pumpkin Spice errrrything has reached a fever-pitch in the great US of A, and anyone who likes Pumpkin Spice is now being lumped into the white-skin-having, Taylor Swift-listening, scarf-wearing girl trope.  But let's remember why Pumpkin Spice became popular in the first place: because it's effing good.  

Go on, girl, don't be ashamed.  Drink your Pumpkin Spice lattes, order Pumpkin cheesecake—it's YOUR LIFE and Fall is a short season.  You know what comes after Fall?  The vast, depressing nothingness that is Winter. We're all about to be as cold and upset as the townspeople in Frozen and yet society is trying to loosen our grip on the last thing we can enjoy before the dead months of January and February.  Fuck off, everyone.  Pumpkin Spice forever. 

And, since we're all letting our Pumpkin Spice freak flags fly, pick up a box of Wondermade's Pumpkin Pie Marshmallows ($9, Mouth) and either bring them to Thanksgiving dinner or eat them all in your car on the way there.  No shame in your game. 


[GIFTED] Hudson Whiskey

Whiskey is very important to have around your Thanksgiving table (or any holiday table, for that matter) because everyone needs something strong to stress-drink.  Why?  Because the holidays are inherently stressful and everyone's thrown together with people they may or may not like.  What do you do when your Uncle Bob starts talking how he's totally loves gay people, he just doesn't think they should be able to get married?  Take a swig.  What do you do when your mother looks in your general direction and says, "Well, I'd just like to have grandchildren at one point."  Take a swig.  It helps.    

Lucky for you, Hudson Whiskey—which was established in 2001 and is the first whiskey distillery in New York State since Prohibition—comes in several flavors, so you can taste all of the flavors of holiday despair in one sitting.  Brilliant.  Now, let's talk about what Thanksgiving dinner must have been like during the Prohibition.  WOOF.