[GIFTED] Neon Toe Cap Erongos

There are two schools of thought regarding wearing bright colors:

1. It makes you look bold, fun, and fashionable.

2. It makes you look like a douchebag.

I subscribe to the first.  I have green shoes, purple pants, yellow everything.  Although I hate gay pride, my closet looks like a motherfucking rainbow. 

Sure, I'm describing myself, but am I also describing you?  Don't shrink into the black or beige background, my obnoxious friend! Wear those pink pants!  Pair them with these Neon Toe Cap Erongos ($235, Schier Shoes).  You look GREAT.  

[GIFTED] Best Made Bar of Soap Pack

You're feeling restless.  You want to make a change in your life.  You're too much of a baby to do something drastic, like quit your job, move to a new city, or get a sex change. 

Take some small steps.  Trade the morning bagel for a Greek yogurt.  Switch out the body wash for bar soap.  How manly could you be standing in the shower with a bottle of body wash a loofah, anyway?

This Best Made Bar of Soap Pack ($30, Best Made Co.) claims to be the manliest answer to soap since the soap the army issued to GIs.  It's probably true.  If you can trick yourself into thinking fancy soap is remotely masculine.  

[GIFTED] Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonshine

Remember when the only people who drank Moonshine out of old, chipped up mason jars were poor people with as many teeth as they had words in their vocabulary?  NOT THE CASE ANYMORE.

Thanks to Pinterest, mason jars are BACK, and becoming a main focal point in the country time shabby chic weddings to no one that every stupid girl seems to be obsessively planning.  "My wedding is going to be totally unique and fun," she'll say.  "We'll drink out of mason jars and everyone will write their marriage advice on a postcard and hang it to a birch tree."  COOL, CAN'T WAIT.       

This Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonshine (Various Prices, Various Locations) not ony satisfies the current obsession with mason jars—it also contributes to the custom cocktail trend that's going on because, apparently, no one can drink a fucking beer anymore. 

Think of how unique your friend will feel, finishing out the summer drinking moonshine straight out of a mason jar, while everyone around her drinks Bud Light Lime.   

[GIFTED] Let's Ketchup Card

If you're currently in your late 20's or early 30's, you are probably finding yourself stumbling through adulthood, wondering when it became unacceptable to get shitfaced on a Wednesday night and why the people you grew up with are suddenly pregnant (was there an alien attack you weren't aware of?).

Suddenly, you're too busy to hang out with your buddies.  You're too busy working all of the time, watching marathons of Breaking Bad on Netflix, and ignoring your significant other while sitting next to them on the couch, looking at their Facebook profile and questioning them on people who have commented on their Wall (ie: "WHO THE FUCK IS SARAH?"). 

Send this Let's Ketchup Card ($4, Collette Paperie) to all of the friends that you've neglected while working overtime at your meaningless data entry job and picking fights with your boyfriend for no reason. 

[GIFTED] Survival of the Hippest T-Shirt

When my parents in Buffalo know about specific restaurants in Williamsburg, I know that "Brooklyn cool" is dead and over, and has finally hit the mainstream, which is probably why it costs approximately $4985948 a month to live in a one bedroom apartment the size of a closet.

Certain parts of Manhattan are more affordable than certain parts of Brooklyn, mainly because "Manhattan cool" ended with Sex & the City.  Legions of dumb girls moved to Manhattan with their Carrie Bradshaw dreams and realized that it is goddamned expensive to live up in here.  Despondent, they trudged across the bridge to Brooklyn, where they forged a new identity for themselves.

Now, the only way to eke out a life for yourself in Brooklyn is to conform to their version of cool: flannel, oversized non-prescription glasses, and dresses that look like they came out of their grandmothers' closets. 

Brooklyn: it's survival of the hippest.  How will you fare?  Skip the flannel and go right for the ironic t-shirt instead: Survival of the Hippest T-Shirt ($16, Brooklyn Bits).  Those dbags will be so impressed by your blithe-but-silent commentary on the obvious that they'll take a break from judging you to buy you a PBR.