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Entries in gifted (627)

Thursday
Sep192013

[GIFTED] Badge Rings

Let's explore the idea of a "badge of honor."  I'm sure the phrase goes back to the early days of the military, where guys got award "badges of honor" for doing something heroic, like shooting down an enemy fighter plane or torching a village of innocent civilians.  NOWADAYS, if you make it through anything remotely challenging, whatever you get out of it is considered your badge of honor.  For example, if you make it through a particularly CRAZY night of drinking, the mystery bruises you wake up with are considered your badge of honor.  What a HERO you are.

But look at these rings.  Whether you think they'e collegiate, old-timey, or Hunger Games-y, these Badge Rings ($59, With Care Goods) are pretty badass, and will help you continue your delusions that you've done anything worthy of claiming an honest-to-God badge of honor.   

Wednesday
Sep182013

[GIFTED] Muffin Tops

Whatever diet you may be on, there always seems to be at least one person in your life who is intent to keep you in your fat pants.  They ply you with giant trays of lasagna, pints of your favorite ice cream, and fresh baked goods.  Usually, this maestro of all things delicious and unhealthy is your mother or grandmother.  They're not intentionally trying to keep you livin' large—it's likely that they just associate food with love because they either grew up during the Great Depression (your grandmother), or were raised by someone who grew up during the Great Depression (your mother).  

Luckily for you, you have (HOPEFULLY) moved out and live somewhere in close proximity to an overpriced gym with an overpriced juicebar located next to an overpriced organic food store.  This is how you keep yourself from becoming 400 lbs—by KEEPING YOUR DISTANCE. 

And because of that, whenever you see your loving enabler, you're allowed to indulge.  It'll make them feel good, and it'll make you feel full in a way that kale certainly doesn't fucking do. Let them know that you're okay with their occasional force-feeding, by gifting them these silicone Muffin Tops (Fred & Friends).  They'll serve as a testament to the weight that you gain every time they bake for you while actually serving as a vessel to CREATE baked goods.  META.

Monday
Sep162013

[GIFTED] Trunk Club

So your little brother just graduated from college.  He lives in a new city, has a new job, and has literally no idea how to dress himself.  You shudder to think of the kind of first impression he's making with his new co-workers, rolling up to the office in a wrinkled, too-big button-down, pleated khakis, New Balance sneakers, and a BACK PACK as a bag.  All of that sounds terrible.

You'd take him shopping for a new wardrobe, but you live in another city, you're BUSY with your stupid job, and is that little twerp really going to listen to his SISTER anyway?  Nah, he's not. 

So, how do you give him an upgrade without wasting any of your precious time and energy?  Sign him up for Trunk Club, a curated men's shopping experience that sends complete outfits (shirts, pants, shoes, socks, accessories) to his door, with explicit instructions from his own personal stylist.  How does it work?  You get him to sit down at his computer and pick out his level of style (clueless, confident, and aficionado), give up his measurements, and select which stores he likes the most. 

His stylist—after a brief online or phone consultation—then sends him outfits, or "trunks."  He gets to try everything on—paying only for the items he wants and returning the rest for free.  There's no membership fees, and the clothes cost about as much as they would if he went to the mall and bought a bunch of horrible clothes that don't fit him.     

He'll look like a new man come Thanksgiving.  Or, he'll look like a man.  For once.  

Friday
Sep132013

[GIFTED] Press Onward Doormat

Regardless of whether you're a social, functioning member of society, life is HARD and sometimes you just want to lock yourself in your apartment and not interact with anyone (save for the Chinese delivery guy—you've gotta eat).  The frequency that these days occur depends on how frustrating your life/job is.

But unless you're some kind of a MILLIONAIRE (and if you are, what are you so sad about?  MONEY BUYS HAPPINESS, JUST ASK THE KENNEDYS), you don't have the luxury of holing up in your apartment and disconnecting with the world.  You have to get out of bed.  You have to get dressed.  You have to open your front door and get to work.  This Press Onward Doormat ($45, Izola) will be a helpful reminder to keep going.

Or, it could serve as a reminder to guests who've worn out their welcome to stop standing in the doorway of your apartment saying "goodbye" over and over again but never actually leaving. 

Thursday
Sep122013

[GIFTED] Pup-a-Top Collar 

As a responsible dog owner, you've probably put in countless hours to train your best friend to respect basic commands like "sit," "stay," and, "PLEASE don't piss on the floor again!"  If you're a total pyschopath, maybe you even trained your dog to bring you your newspaper or something along those lines. 

And if you're already putting your dog to work fetching you shit, you can also make him even more useful by getting him a Pup-a-Top Collar ($13).  The collar—which can be engraved with your dog's name and is available in a variety of colors—pulls double-duty as a bottle opener.  Mega-convenient, of course. If dogs are supposedly "man's best friend," then beers are definitely "man's well-regarded aquaintance."  It's a good combo for sure.