[GIFTED] Personalized Chocolate Candy Eggs

Remember when you would all gather around the table and dye eggs on Easter?  I begrudgingly participated into my teens and when I would write sarcastic religious messages on the eggs in white crayon.  What I wrote didn't appear until after the eggs were dyed and I was already downstairs in my basement bedroom blasting pop punk music and pretending like I was a rebel.  

These Personalized Chocolate Candy Eggs ($43 for a set of 6, Andie's Specialty Sweets) will allow you to write weird messages like "Christ," "Has," "Risen," (which is legit something I wrote on an egg, circa 2002) and still have it look elegant. 

[GIFTED] Donut Mug

Every morning, you march into Dunkin Donuts like a champion.  You have trained yourself like an insecure teenage girl, so you don't even notice the donuts anymore.  You order the biggest coffee available.  You order it black.  BLACK LIKE YOUR HEART.  

As you turn to leave, out of the corner of your eye, you catch the glistening donuts.  They're saying, "Eat me, Kristina!  I'm so delicious!  You've been working so hard, you deserve a treat!"

NOPE. You walk out.  You have a terrible Greek yogurt and raw almonds in your bag to sustain you.  

Listen, the next time someone (your boyfriend/husband) asks you why you're acting so crazy, you can tell him that you have a.) been on a diet for 15+ years and b.) every morning, donuts talk to you.  You know who would be great on a deserted island?  WOMEN.  We starve ourselves so much that we wouldn't even notice much of a difference when we're stranded.  "Oh, this tree bark is totally fine for a snack," we'll say.  "Lots of fiber." 

This Donut Mug ($14, Fred Flare) is the perfect vessel to drink out of when you're sitting at your desk, drinking coffee and crying.  YOU ARE HUNGRY.  SO HUNGRY.  

[GIFTED] Fishfood Nesting Fish Plates

Fish are friends, not food, right, Finding Nemo?

Hell, no!  Seafood is delicious and good for you!  

These Fishfood Nesting Plates ($22, Spoon Sisters) are the perfect gift for any pescatarian that loves to throw dinner parties.  Or, they're perfect for any backstabbing shark that you work with or used to date.

[GIFTED] Woodsy Woodsman Cookies

Like any romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl and the like, sometimes the only way a busy career woman with a degree in lady business can find love is to shack up with her exact opposite.  Comedy ensues.  Sparks fly.  She has difficulty getting into his pick-up truck with her Manolo Blahniks.  Supposedly, this is a HILARIOUS situation (we're lead to believe that although our heroine is incredibly smart and successful, she's also mildly retarded—if you're going to the woods, why wouldn't you pack accordingly?). 

The moral of the story that is passed down to a generation of delusional women is that you should make wacky and impractical choices, because they ALWAYS work out.  The other lesson is that when you are a disagreeable shrew, the only men who want you are woodsy types who have been so isolated from women while whittling their own furniture that even you look appealing (in the way that a deer looks on top of a majestic hill, from a distance). 

All of this is obviously ridiculous bullshit dreamed up by marketing geniuses that masquerade as writers, but listen, ladies.  I know it's tough out there.  So if you've somehow found the mountainman of your dreams, you can woo him with these Woodsy Woodsman Cookies (Whipped Bake Shop).

[GIFTED] Knit Happens Mug

There is something in certain female DNA that requires them to take up knitting for approximately 2-3 weeks between the months of November and December.  

"I'M MAKING YOU A SCARF," she'll declare as she scarily waves around knitting needles.  Sure you are, Linda.  Sure you are. 

Then, the excitement about making clothing fades away as quickly as the desire showed up.  Why?  Because knitting is BORING and she's already moved on to her next project that she won't finish, like making a scrapbook of your friendship or throwing an imaginary dinner party.  

That's the scenario that happens over and over again in living rooms across America.  BUT: sometimes, they take up knitting and stick with it.  These rare birds are the ones who give carefully crocheted afghans to their loved ones for Christmas.  They're the ones who are knitting away on the subway, completely unaware that those knitting needles could potentially blind someone if the subway jerks in the wrong direction.  They're the ones who would love this Knit Happens Mug ($10, Mugsley).  

Giving this mug is like saying, "Hey, it's totally okay to knit away another weekend, crazy lady.  Just don't knit me another goddamned scarf."