[GIFTED] Hold Your Horses Card

This is the week leading up to the Kentucky Derby, and while thousands of people will be heading to Churchill Downs this weekend to take in the Derby for real, the rest of us will have it on in the background as we proceed to get drunk on bourbon while wearing gingham.  

This Hold Your Horses Card ($4, Southern Fried Design Barn) is extremely appropos for the occasion.  It's horse themed for the Kentucky Derby, of course, but it also relays a very important message for drunks like you and me who will be around an inordinate amount of hard alcohol: hold your horses.  Slow the F down.  You don't want to fall down drunk, do you? That would totally mess up your white linen suit.   

[GIFTED] Hey Girl Journal

Hey, girl.  Unless you have hidden under a rock for the past few years (or you are my MOTHER), you know the Ryan Gosling meme very well.  It's almost as popular and ubiqutious as he is. 

This Hey Girl Journal ($10.95, Fred Flare) will let you document all of the romanticisms you wish a devastatingly handsome in a rumpled Henley would tell you.  Or, you can rip out sheets and give them to your coworkers ("Hey girl, can you give me feedback on that thing so I can do my fucking job?") or your roommate ("Hey girl, can you take out the trash? It smells like shit in here).  The possibilities are endless.

[GIFTED] Plenty of Fish in the Sea

Yeah, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but let's recall the last fishing trip you took with your father/grandfather/creepy uncle: you spent all day sitting around a smelly boat, listening to Kenny Chesney, only to catch nothing.  You don't want to do that shit.  It's too much effort.  You want to stick with the questionable salmon you picked up at the grocery store. 

All of this fish talk is obviously a METAPHOR for romance.  Why spend hours of energy trying to boat a prize bass when you can be perfectly content with some farm-raised tilapia?  It tastes fine when you add some lime.  

This Plenty of Fish in the Sea ($10, Cardtorial) card is a testimonial to this attitude.  Why fucking bother?  You are good enough.  Happy Valentine's Day. 

[GIFTED] Read Between the Lines Cards

Picture it: it's a few days before Valentine's Day.  You're in the card aisle at your local CVS and you're trying to figure out which one would be the most appropriate for your significant other. The super schmaltzy "to the love of my life" cards that look more like condolence cards than Valentine's Day cards are out.  The supposedly "funny" cards that crack jokes about loving this person even though they fart in bed or something are ALSO out.  

So what the fuck do you get?  Where are the cards that say, "Yeah. yeah, I love you, you big jerk, don't let it go to your head, do you want to order sushi?"   

These Read Between the Lines Cards ($13.50 for a set of 6, Yes U May Stationery) fill that void. Just like you, they say things like "I hate you" and "I'll kill you," but there's a hidden message underneath.  After all, the more you love someone, the more you want to kill them.   

[GIFTED] We Go Together Card

You know that stupid couple that refers to each other as "my other half?" It's so nauseating and terrible.

In a good relationship, you're not a half to one whole, but a complementary set. You go together like peanut butter and jelly. Beer and cigarettes. Heroin and tear-filled interventions. Or, salt and pepper, as evidenced by this We Go Together Card ($6, BHLDN).