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Entries in paper (55)


[GIFTED] Plenty of Fish in the Sea

Yeah, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but let's recall the last fishing trip you took with your father/grandfather/creepy uncle: you spent all day sitting around a smelly boat, listening to Kenny Chesney, only to catch nothing.  You don't want to do that shit.  It's too much effort.  You want to stick with the questionable salmon you picked up at the grocery store. 

All of this fish talk is obviously a METAPHOR for romance.  Why spend hours of energy trying to boat a prize bass when you can be perfectly content with some farm-raised tilapia?  It tastes fine when you add some lime.  

This Plenty of Fish in the Sea ($10, Cardtorial) card is a testimonial to this attitude.  Why fucking bother?  You are good enough.  Happy Valentine's Day. 


[GIFTED] Read Between the Lines Cards

Picture it: it's a few days before Valentine's Day.  You're in the card aisle at your local CVS and you're trying to figure out which one would be the most appropriate for your significant other. The super schmaltzy "to the love of my life" cards that look more like condolence cards than Valentine's Day cards are out.  The supposedly "funny" cards that crack jokes about loving this person even though they fart in bed or something are ALSO out.  

So what the fuck do you get?  Where are the cards that say, "Yeah. yeah, I love you, you big jerk, don't let it go to your head, do you want to order sushi?"   

These Read Between the Lines Cards ($13.50 for a set of 6, Yes U May Stationery) fill that void. Just like you, they say things like "I hate you" and "I'll kill you," but there's a hidden message underneath.  After all, the more you love someone, the more you want to kill them.   


[GIFTED] We Go Together Card

You know that stupid couple that refers to each other as "my other half?" It's so nauseating and terrible.

In a good relationship, you're not a half to one whole, but a complementary set. You go together like peanut butter and jelly. Beer and cigarettes. Heroin and tear-filled interventions. Or, salt and pepper, as evidenced by this We Go Together Card ($6, BHLDN).


[GIFTED] I Fall For You Card

Not only is it already Fall, Fall is already almost OVER.  Chew on that for awhile.  Thanksgiving is THIS WEEK.  Have you developed a stress rash yet?  Stop hyperventilating, calm down for a second, and realize how cute this I Fall For You Card ($5, Ink Meets Paper) is.  Hurry up and send it to someone you love.  Or someone you're stalking.  Same thing, really.


[GIFTED] Well Done [Steak] Card

If you're a self-righteous foodie like me, this Well Done [Steak] Card ($4, Colette Paperie) depicts exactly what it's like to dine out with jerks like us.  We take someone ordering a steak well done as a personal insult, and that is way more important than giving someone kudos for accomplishing something significant. 

This would be a great card to give someone who just graduated from culinary school, or your mom, who eats steak well done with French dressing to dip it in.