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Entries in paper (79)


[GIFTED] Mother's Favorite Card

Ask any mother of multiple children who her favorite is, and she always rebuff you.  "I love ALL of my children equally, OF COURSE."  Bitch is LYING.  Yes, mothers all love their children, but they don't love them equally. It's just a fact.  She's only human.  Just like you have a favorite co-worker or a favorite cousin, your mother has a favorite kid.  She can't help it.  Out of your siblings, one of you is bound to be more simpatico with your mother. One of you has more similar interests, calls her more, visits her more, whatever it is.  

So, if you know you're the favorite, get her this Mother's Favorite Card ($6, Moglea).  It'll piss off all your siblings, which is always the goal, right? 


[GIFTED] Mondrian Note Set 

Look—any old schlub can sit at their depressing desk with their depressing yellow Post-It notes. "But yellow is the color of sunshine!" you might say.  SHUT UP.  Yellow is BORING.  You're boring.  She's boring.  THIS WHOLE OPERATION IS BORING.

You know how you can help your artsy friend not want to slit her own wrists with a letter opener when the 3:00 blues roll around on an idle Thursday afternoon? By getting her (and perhaps yourself) this Mondrian Note Set ($17, PA Design), which arranges multi-colored sticky notes in the famous pattern created in the 1920s by Dutch painter Piet Mondrian.    


[GIFTED] Two Weirdos Card

Because we've now entered a society that is built on technology, we've developed a culture that exalts and reveres nerds.  At least adult nerds, that is.  Nerds are cool, weird is in, LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY.  Yeah, let it fly... to a point.  Even though geek culture is considered normal, you still have a friend that has always been just a little too weird.  

Maybe he just doesn't know when to stop talking about Star Wars in social situations.  Maybe he loves pickles too much.  Maybe he goes on OKCupid dates and spends too much time watching the football game on the TV on the wall behind the girl he's certain never to see again.  Maybe he wears a windbreaker as his regular jacket.  All of these small reasons add up to why you were certain that he would be single forever. Or, at least single until he meets a divorcee who has lowered her standards enough to tolerate him and his pickles and windbreakers.     

Surprise!  He found someone just as weird as he is.  She likes pickles, too.  She LOVES his windbreaker. They're getting married.  Goddddd bless 'em.  Attend their Star Wars-themed wedding and give them this Two Weirdos Card ($5, Wit & Whistle).  They found love in a hopeless place.


[GIFTED] Cupid is Stupid Card

I've written extensively about how Valentine's Day is very exclusionary to people who aren't in a relationship, but the first step to stopping that is YOU.  That's right.  Buy up a bunch of these Cupid is Stupid Cards ($5, The Social Type) and send them to your single friends.  The ones who are fuckin' lovin' single life will think it's cute and funny, and the ones who are not especially happy about being single (or recently went through a break-up) will appreciate the sentiment and act of solidarity from you.  YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND EVER. 


[GIFTED] Love is For Fools Card

There isn't a holiday on the calendar that's more exclusionary than Valentine's Day.  It's a holiday made for people in love, and if you're not in love, you're patently left out.  "But my mom sends me flowers!" you'll say, and that's cute, I guess, but that's not what's supposed to happen and YOU KNOW IT.  

Even if you're completely secure in your singlehood 364 days a year, there's something about Valentine's Day that brings out your rage-loneliness.  Valentine's Day makes you want to go into a Hallmark store and smash every snow globe and punch every teddy bear while screaming about how love is a lie.  On February 14, you find yourself passing happy couples on the street and rolling your eyes so hard that you almost give yourself an aneursym.  

It's okay to feel this way, as long as it's just for the one day.  After all, Valentine's Day is a conspiracy.  

This year, gather your single friends in a bar, and pass out this Love is for Fools Card ($6, Burro). Make a pact that you'll all never fall in love and have everyone sign it.  It'll feel great for the night.  And then, when people inevitably get into relationships and renig on your Valentine's Day pact, you can throw this card in their face and use it as an excuse not to go to their wedding. You didn't want to go to Baltimore anyway, am I right?