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Entries in paper (74)

Wednesday
Dec312014

[GIFTED] Dropped the Ball Card

If you're a sick motherfucker, the best part about New Year's Eves of years past was Dick Clark, post-stroke, trying to count down to New Year's.  The guy just wouldn't let it go.  He didn't know when to say, "You know what? I'm out."  That's why this Dropped the Ball Card ($6, Smitten Kitten) is perfect for New Year's, and also a perfect apology card, like the one I'll send to the people who are offended by this post. 

Happy 2015. 

Monday
Nov032014

[GIFTED] Clean House, Full Fridge, Can't Lose Card

When you were a kid, and hell, even when you were in college, weekends were for sleeping.  Sleeping and lounging.  Sleeping and lounging and eating.  Sleeping and lounging and eating and maybe going to the bar around 10pm.  But then you graduated and became an adult.  And an adult's life involves an inordinate amount of chores.

Instead of sleeping in until 11am on a Saturday like you used to, you're up at 8am—doing laundry, going grocery shopping, scrubbing the bathroom, picking up your dry cleaning, going to the bank (like a motherfucking ADULT), and various other soul-crushing activities that are the exact opposite of fun. 

All of this blows, yes.  But the upside to all of this running around is the euphoria that comes with finishing all of your chores and realizing the rest of the weekend is yours.  You feel so satisfied.  You feel like a motherfucking champion.  Buy this Clean House, Full Fridge, Can't Lose Card ($5, Ladyfingers Letterpress) and give it to yourself, or give it to your partner to let them know this weekend's plans.

Wednesday
Oct082014

[GIFTED] bRead Notebooks

Whether everyone in your office is avoiding carbs or they're all enthusiastically participating in "Bagel Wednesday," everyone's gonna love to take tedious meeting notes on fresh-baked bRead Notebooks ($13 each, Daycraft).  Choose between white, wheat, and whole wheat, and start taking delicious, delicious notes ASAP.   

Monday
Sep292014

[GIFTED] Lost Something in Your Beard Card

People's desires shift through the years based on which movie stars are popular.  Seriously, this version of a clean-cut Brad Pitt in a baggy khaki clown suit was considered the HEIGHT OF HANDSOME back in the 90s.  Now it's all man buns and beards and skinny jeans.     

What I'm trying to get at here is that you are either in love with a guy who has a beard or you know someone who is in love with a guy who has a beard.  Either way, make everyone happy by purchasing this  Lost Something in Your Beard Card ($4, Detriot Card Co.).  It'll let that bearded dude know that he's loved, and ALSO let him know that he can throw away that razor for good.

Wednesday
Aug132014

[GIFTED] Custom Portrait Stamp

When you're getting married, you send out an INCREDIBLE amount of mail.  Brides are probably the only people that are even keeping the US Postal System in business anymore.  When was the last thing you got anything in the mail besides a Save the Date or wedding invitation?  Exactly.

So, since you'll be sending literally the most mail of your LIFE, pondering why stamps cost SO MUCH, and hand addressing envelopes until your hands bleed, and the like, you might as well have some fun with it.

And what's more fun than getting a Custom Portrait Stamp ($100, Stamp Yo Face!) made out of your FACE?  Send a picture of you and your fiance to Stamp Yo Face! and they'll get cracking, making you a custom portrait that you can stamp alllllllll over your various wedding shit.