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Entries in paper (77)

Thursday
Feb262015

[GIFTED] Two Weirdos Card

Because we've now entered a society that is built on technology, we've developed a culture that exalts and reveres nerds.  At least adult nerds, that is.  Nerds are cool, weird is in, LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY.  Yeah, let it fly... to a point.  Even though geek culture is considered normal, you still have a friend that has always been just a little too weird.  

Maybe he just doesn't know when to stop talking about Star Wars in social situations.  Maybe he loves pickles too much.  Maybe he goes on OKCupid dates and spends too much time watching the football game on the TV on the wall behind the girl he's certain never to see again.  Maybe he wears a windbreaker as his regular jacket.  All of these small reasons add up to why you were certain that he would be single forever. Or, at least single until he meets a divorcee who has lowered her standards enough to tolerate him and his pickles and windbreakers.     

Surprise!  He found someone just as weird as he is.  She likes pickles, too.  She LOVES his windbreaker. They're getting married.  Goddddd bless 'em.  Attend their Star Wars-themed wedding and give them this Two Weirdos Card ($5, Wit & Whistle).  They found love in a hopeless place.

Thursday
Feb052015

[GIFTED] Cupid is Stupid Card

I've written extensively about how Valentine's Day is very exclusionary to people who aren't in a relationship, but the first step to stopping that is YOU.  That's right.  Buy up a bunch of these Cupid is Stupid Cards ($5, The Social Type) and send them to your single friends.  The ones who are fuckin' lovin' single life will think it's cute and funny, and the ones who are not especially happy about being single (or recently went through a break-up) will appreciate the sentiment and act of solidarity from you.  YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND EVER. 

Monday
Feb022015

[GIFTED] Love is For Fools Card

There isn't a holiday on the calendar that's more exclusionary than Valentine's Day.  It's a holiday made for people in love, and if you're not in love, you're patently left out.  "But my mom sends me flowers!" you'll say, and that's cute, I guess, but that's not what's supposed to happen and YOU KNOW IT.  

Even if you're completely secure in your singlehood 364 days a year, there's something about Valentine's Day that brings out your rage-loneliness.  Valentine's Day makes you want to go into a Hallmark store and smash every snow globe and punch every teddy bear while screaming about how love is a lie.  On February 14, you find yourself passing happy couples on the street and rolling your eyes so hard that you almost give yourself an aneursym.  

It's okay to feel this way, as long as it's just for the one day.  After all, Valentine's Day is a conspiracy.  

This year, gather your single friends in a bar, and pass out this Love is for Fools Card ($6, Burro). Make a pact that you'll all never fall in love and have everyone sign it.  It'll feel great for the night.  And then, when people inevitably get into relationships and renig on your Valentine's Day pact, you can throw this card in their face and use it as an excuse not to go to their wedding. You didn't want to go to Baltimore anyway, am I right?  

Wednesday
Dec312014

[GIFTED] Dropped the Ball Card

If you're a sick motherfucker, the best part about New Year's Eves of years past was Dick Clark, post-stroke, trying to count down to New Year's.  The guy just wouldn't let it go.  He didn't know when to say, "You know what? I'm out."  That's why this Dropped the Ball Card ($6, Smitten Kitten) is perfect for New Year's, and also a perfect apology card, like the one I'll send to the people who are offended by this post. 

Happy 2015. 

Monday
Nov032014

[GIFTED] Clean House, Full Fridge, Can't Lose Card

When you were a kid, and hell, even when you were in college, weekends were for sleeping.  Sleeping and lounging.  Sleeping and lounging and eating.  Sleeping and lounging and eating and maybe going to the bar around 10pm.  But then you graduated and became an adult.  And an adult's life involves an inordinate amount of chores.

Instead of sleeping in until 11am on a Saturday like you used to, you're up at 8am—doing laundry, going grocery shopping, scrubbing the bathroom, picking up your dry cleaning, going to the bank (like a motherfucking ADULT), and various other soul-crushing activities that are the exact opposite of fun. 

All of this blows, yes.  But the upside to all of this running around is the euphoria that comes with finishing all of your chores and realizing the rest of the weekend is yours.  You feel so satisfied.  You feel like a motherfucking champion.  Buy this Clean House, Full Fridge, Can't Lose Card ($5, Ladyfingers Letterpress) and give it to yourself, or give it to your partner to let them know this weekend's plans.