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Burton X South Park Hats 


Want to feel old?  South Park is celebrating its 20th anniversary in 2017.  The crudely-animated show burst onto the scene when a lot us were in middle school, and if your parents were anything like my parents, they tried to prevent you from watching it, which made you more determined to find a way to watch it (and you did).

South Park quickly became Comedy Central's crown jewel, and the characters, instantly iconic.  On face value, it was gross and gratuitously violent, but if you looked deeper (once you were older, perhaps), South Park provided some of the best satire we've ever seen.

So, in celebration of this milestone (20 years! Everyone wanted it banned from TV the year it first aired), Burton has released Burton X South Park Hats (Starting at $30), which features instantly-recognizable head gear from Stan, Kenny, Cartman, and Kyle.  If you buy the Kenny hat—be prepared for people to scream, "OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD," over and over at you again until Spring arrives.  


Taco Dreams Mobile

When you have a baby, you have a lot of hopes and dreams for them, but in general, you probably have a desire to have them be just like you, or, at least a little like you (unless you hate yourself).  Having a kid is at least partially an exercise in vanity, right?  I mean, come on, the world's population is way too high, so it's not like you're procreating to ensure the survival of the human race—you're doing it because you want to point at a kid that looks like you and acts like you and say, "I made that."    

So, maybe you have a kid and you hope that he also grows up to love muscle cars and Mexican food.  Good news: when the kid is little, you have 100% influence over him, so you can start sowing the seeds of creating your own little mini-me early.  This Taco Dreams Mobile ($48, Uncommon Goods) will almost certainly create a junior guacamole lover.  Who can stare up at tiny tacos, avocados, and bottles of hot sauce without wanting to dig in?  Nobody. 


Merry Cast of Christmas Characters Cards

So you're adult enough to want to send out Christmas cards but you're not SO adult that you have a cadre of kids to feature on photo cards?  We've got the perfect in-betweener for you: Merry Cast of Christmas Characters Cards ($30 for 8, Pop Chart Lab).  

Featuring the merry faces of characters from iconic Christmas movies (Bill Murray in Scrooged, Bruce Willis in Die Hard, Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, and more), everyone will delight in holiday nostalgia when they open this card from. PROTIP: write in the lines from the movies as your message, so you don't have to fill people in on your year (ie: still single, still at the same job, still shouldering massive student loan debt, still depressed over the election results, etc).  Here are a few suggestions:

To your brother: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.   

To your mom & dad: SANTA?! I KNOW HIM!

To your great aunt: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! (JKJKJKJK)


No Good Card for This Book

Whether you're grieving for your nation (just me?) or grieving for something a little bit closer to home (a family member's death), shit is H-A-R-D to process. It seems like 2016 has been an especially hard year for a lot of people, and I'm not even talking about the election—there are so many people I know who have lost loved ones this year.  People are dropping like fuckin FLIES out there.  And if you're emotionally stunted (just me?) you might not know the right things to say to someone who is going through some SHIT.

That's why this No Good Card for This Book ($26) has literally come out at the exact right time.  Written by an empathy expert and illustrated by my favorite designer in the world, Emily McDowell, it gives you helpful steps to be, well, helpful to someone.  Which feels like something that we all need right now, right? Get one now.  Get 319 million of them.  This is required reading for literally every American right now.  Pre-Order it now.    


Zero Fucks Given T-Shirt

Back when you were a teenager, you could fully develop a bad attitude and wrap yourself in it like a blanket. Disaffected youth, and all of that shit.  But now that you're an adult, you have to swallow your anger and apathy and pretend everything is great.  Like the meme says, "Being an adult is learning how to replace the words 'fuck you,' with 'okay, great!'"  

Every day, from 9 to 5, you pretend everything is fine.  You pretend to care about shit.  You pretend to give a fuck about things you definitely don't give a fuck about.  But then Friday rolls around, and you have 2.5 glorious days of respite where you don't have to pretend to care about anything that you don't care about (unless you happen to be visiting your in-laws that weekend). For those precious days, we have the perfect thing for you to wear: this Zero Fucks Given T-Shirt ($28, Buy Me Brunch). Wear it to the bar and let everyone know what's up.  You've HAD IT and you are no longer pretending. God bless.