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Merry Cast of Christmas Characters Cards

So you're adult enough to want to send out Christmas cards but you're not SO adult that you have a cadre of kids to feature on photo cards?  We've got the perfect in-betweener for you: Merry Cast of Christmas Characters Cards ($30 for 8, Pop Chart Lab).  

Featuring the merry faces of characters from iconic Christmas movies (Bill Murray in Scrooged, Bruce Willis in Die Hard, Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, and more), everyone will delight in holiday nostalgia when they open this card from. PROTIP: write in the lines from the movies as your message, so you don't have to fill people in on your year (ie: still single, still at the same job, still shouldering massive student loan debt, still depressed over the election results, etc).  Here are a few suggestions:

To your brother: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.   

To your mom & dad: SANTA?! I KNOW HIM!

To your great aunt: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! (JKJKJKJK)


No Good Card for This Book

Whether you're grieving for your nation (just me?) or grieving for something a little bit closer to home (a family member's death), shit is H-A-R-D to process. It seems like 2016 has been an especially hard year for a lot of people, and I'm not even talking about the election—there are so many people I know who have lost loved ones this year.  People are dropping like fuckin FLIES out there.  And if you're emotionally stunted (just me?) you might not know the right things to say to someone who is going through some SHIT.

That's why this No Good Card for This Book ($26) has literally come out at the exact right time.  Written by an empathy expert and illustrated by my favorite designer in the world, Emily McDowell, it gives you helpful steps to be, well, helpful to someone.  Which feels like something that we all need right now, right? Get one now.  Get 319 million of them.  This is required reading for literally every American right now.  Pre-Order it now.    


Zero Fucks Given T-Shirt

Back when you were a teenager, you could fully develop a bad attitude and wrap yourself in it like a blanket. Disaffected youth, and all of that shit.  But now that you're an adult, you have to swallow your anger and apathy and pretend everything is great.  Like the meme says, "Being an adult is learning how to replace the words 'fuck you,' with 'okay, great!'"  

Every day, from 9 to 5, you pretend everything is fine.  You pretend to care about shit.  You pretend to give a fuck about things you definitely don't give a fuck about.  But then Friday rolls around, and you have 2.5 glorious days of respite where you don't have to pretend to care about anything that you don't care about (unless you happen to be visiting your in-laws that weekend). For those precious days, we have the perfect thing for you to wear: this Zero Fucks Given T-Shirt ($28, Buy Me Brunch). Wear it to the bar and let everyone know what's up.  You've HAD IT and you are no longer pretending. God bless. 


Fire Road Profile Bottle Opener

Around these parts, we're all about surrounding yourself with well-designed, nice things.  Sure, spending $40 on a marble and brass bottle opener like this Fire Road Profile Bottle Opener ($40, Huckberry) might be enough to make your grandfather roll around in his grave, but if you're going to use a bottle opener every day (no judgements, fellow boozehounds), why not have a nice one?  Ditch the Bud Light-branded bottle opener you got for free at a bar in college and pick up something that has some weight to it.  Something that immediately signals, as soon as you pick it up, "Hey, you earned this." 


Beach Vault 

When you're at the beach, going into the water requires an extreme amount of trust that your fellow man won't steal your shit.  You wouldn't leave your purse or your wallet out on the counter of the bar while you go to the bathroom, but at the beach, you leave everything in plain view and hope for the best.  

This, of course, doesn't square with your life motto, which is, essentially, TRUST NO ONE.  Let us introduce you to the Beach Vault ($39), which hides your valuables literally in the sand so beach combers looking to make a quick score with unattended wallets and cell phones won't get at your shit.  How does it work?  The Beach Vault is essentially a big hollow screw that you insert into the sand and then fill with your valuables. Once in the sand, the Beach Vault is fully out of sight (it even comes with a towel that covers it), so you can stay in the water as long as you want without worrying about your stuff getting snatched.