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Entries in under $75 (63)


[GIFTED] Ike & Stella Dog Collars 

You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of collar their dog wears.  It sounds crazy, but it’s true.  Is that chihuahua wearing a golden collar nicer than your wedding ring?  The owner is a high-maintenance rich bitch.  Is that golden retriever wearing a bandana?  The owner is a hipster or a crunchy granola type.  The list could go on.  But if you put one of these Ike & Stella Collars (Starting at $50) on your dog, people won’t think you’re a privileged bitch or a hipster douche—they’ll think you have great taste.  In fact, they’re so nice and well designed that you could wear them as a bracelet.  Although, then you’d have to admit you’re wearing a dog collar on your wrist, and who wants to do that?  Just stick with keeping these on your dog.   


[GIFTED] Build-Your-Own Sailboat Kit

Building a "scale model" anything sounds like something only an old man would do, but if you're looking to BUILD SOMETHING WITH YOUR OWN TWO HANDS but live in a city with no outdoor space (let alone a basement or garage wood shop), this Build-Your-Own Sailboat Kit ($74, Best Made Co.) might be for you.

You can put it on a shelf and impress dates with your ability to craft something yourself.  Or you can attempt it and realize you suck at these sorts of things and stomp on it before throwing it into the garbage.  Your choice. 


[GIFTED] Ugly Holiday Sweater Cookies

10 years ago, Ugly Holiday Sweater Parties didn't exist.  We all just wore ugly holiday sweaters unironically because our moms bought them for us and we thought they were festive.  I remember in high school, some adorable but geeky and clueless kid who had yet to realize his own potential as an attractive human being wore a Christmas sweater with a reindeer on it and everyone made fun of him behind his back.  I just saw that same sweater on J Crew's website for like $97.  WHAT IS UGLY ANYMORE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW.  

But anyway, the point is—Ugly Holiday Sweater Parties are now a thing.  For the first one you got invited to, you indulged the myth that you'd be able to buy a hideous/hilarious sweater at the Salvation Army for 75 cents.  Not true.  It was never true.  So you ended up having to go to the old lady section of JC Penney and drop $45 on something ugly with snowmen stitched on it just for the sake of a joke.  Then, nobody threw an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party for a few years and you threw the sweater out when you moved, thinking, "I'm never gonna wear this again."  Of course, right after you throw it away, one of your friends announces they're having an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party and you have to drag yourself BACK to JC Penney and get down with Alfred Dunner AGAIN.       

But they're fun, right?  OH WHAT FUN IT IS.  Listen, instead of dropping your precious cash on ANOTHER ugly sweater you'll never wear again, wear a regular sweater and show up with a tray of these Ugly Holiday Sweater Cookies ($50, Harry & David).  You're still participating, but 1.) you're not dressed like an asshole and 2.) everyone will love you for bringing theme-appropriate snacks.  


[GIFTED] Gobble Goodies

So you got invited to your friend's house for Thanksgiving.  Maybe you're going to their parents' house.  Maybe they're actually hosting it themselves because they're adults and holy shit when did we all get so OLD?  Either scenario is happening.  Because you don't have to do the psychotic running around with your hair on fire that is planning and executing a Thanksgiving dinner, you need to act extra grateful when you show up and are confronted with your apron-clad, sweaty-faced host who has spent the last week shopping, cleaning, obsessing, and cooking.

Hand her this EXTRA THOUGHTFUL Gobble Goodies Basket ($50, Mouth) that she can either put out for the guests because she accidentally burnt one of the appetizers, or she can shove in the corner of the kitchen and enjoy herself when this crazy holiday is over and everyone has gotten out of her goddamned house for good. Either way, she'll appreciate the gesture. 


[GIFTED] Lines Dinner Napkins

Who needs linen napkins anymore?, you scoff.  What is this, Little House on the Prairie?  Who am I, Martha Washington?  When you're a certain age, things like linen napkins, china sets, and landline telephones all sound ridiculous to you.  You don't need that shit.  You're going to use linen napkins just to throw them into your already-full laundry basket because you don't have access to a washer and dryer and the last thing in the world you want to do is drag your ass to the laundromat to wash your underwear let alone your LINEN NAPKINS?  I don't think so.  Not gonna happen.

You go on like this, blissfully free of the trappings of an adult home.  Then, you decide to host Thanksgiving at your house for the first time.  During your stress-addled daydreams, you decide that maybe you need all of those things.  Maybe you DO need placecards and a table runner.  What's a Thanksgiving table without a full-on TABLESCAPE?  Before you throw yourself head-first into Pier 1 and scoop up whatever sparkly shit they have in an autumnal color palate, think about some things. 

A nice set of linen napkins is fine to have and nice to break out on special occasions.  Those special occasions won't always be during the holidays (trust me, they won't), so don't invest in napkins with turkeys or snowmen on them.  Instead get a more utilitarian set, like these Lines Dinner Napkins ($72 for set of 6, Brit & Co.), which are fun and colorful, but still generic enough to fit into whatever tablescape you cook up.